When we first announced our intention to become foster parents, the response wasn’t a universal chorus of support. While friends and family knew our hearts, several expressed a deep, lingering concern: “What about your own children? How will this experience affect them?” It was a fair question, one that sat heavy on our minds as we navigated the licensing process. We knew that adding children with complex trauma to our home wouldn’t just change our schedules—it would fundamentally reshape the childhoods of our biological children.
About “Children Who Foster”
Choosing to foster is a significant decision that impacts every member of the household. Experts emphasize that children of foster parents play a vital role in the success of fostering relationships, yet they also face unique pressures. Biological children often find themselves having to share their parents’ time, their physical home, and even their favorite toys or friends.
Because fostering involves children who have often lived in deprived or chaotic environments, the influx of new behaviors can be a shock to the family system. Biological children need to be supported and to understand what fostering means for them personally. When families are involved in the decision together, these “children who foster” can develop deep empathy and a unique set of social-emotional skills that stay with them for life.
The Heart of the Matter: A Family Mission
The main point I want to share is that foster care will affect your biological children, but that effect does not have to be negative. In fact, if we view fostering as a shared family ministry rather than just a “parent project,” it can be one of the most transformative experiences of their lives. Fostering provides a window for our children to see the world through a lens of compassion and resilience.
Practical Strategies for the Journey
Fostering is an informed decision, and preparing your biological children is a continuous process. Here are several strategies we learned that helped our children adjust and thrive:
- Create a Shared Mission Statement: Hold family meetings before, during, and after licensing. Write a family mission statement together. When things get difficult, return to those words to remind everyone of your shared purpose.
- Involve Them in the “Heavy Work”: For our foster son who struggled with behavior, we learned that “heavy work” sensory activities significantly helped his self-regulation. We reviewed sensory tips as a family and let the big kids choose how they wanted to help—one chose jumping on the trampoline, another preferred pushing him on the swing, and the third helped with a “calm-down cocoon.”
- Shift the Focus of Chores: Instead of bio kids doing chores for the foster child, let their chores focus on the house or themselves. We explained it this way: “If you guys handle the dishes, I can put the baby to bed.” This helped them see their contribution as essential to the family’s ability to foster.
- Coach Assertive Responses: We coached our children on how to handle challenging behaviors directly. We taught them to say, “I do not like that” or “Stop” with assertiveness, and to come to us immediately if the behavior continued.
- Prioritize One-on-One Time: Be intentional about “special time” with your biological children. Whether it’s a quick trip to Target or a board game after the little ones are in bed, these moments reassure them that your relationship is secure.
- Encourage Outside Involvement: Ensure your biological children stay active in youth groups, sports, or clubs. This prevents them from feeling isolated by the demands of the foster care schedule at home.
- Practice Radical Honesty: Don’t sugar-coat the experience. Talk openly about the ways life is better and the ways life was easier before. Ask them to reflect on how their foster sibling’s life has changed, acknowledging both the struggles and the growth.
- Acknowledge the Struggle: Take their frustrations seriously. Brainstorm together on how to improve a tough situation. Sometimes, a small “compensation” for having less of your attention—like a new video game or a rented movie—can go a long way in making them feel seen.
Fostering is a ministry that is supposed to affect our children. It teaches them that while people do things differently, everyone is worthy of love and respect. By making them an informed, active part of the team, you aren’t just helping a child in need; you are raising children who understand the power of a safe emotional harbor.
All Things Early Intervention 