The info in this blog post started out as part of the “How to Deal with Self-Injurious Behavior” post, but it got to be so long and important, I decided it deserved it’s own post.
To read about what led up to this post, read it here. If you just want the recap, here ya go.
My Story – When Words Meant to Help Actually Hurt
Our foster child was biting himself. When he got angry, he was scratched and hit his own small body. I’ll never forget the head-banging, the rhythmic thud of his forehead hitting the floor. As a mama, it was terrifying.
In the middle of that storm, our family therapist dropped a heavy word: operant. He explained the behavior was operant, which means it is being reinforced by feedback. Intellectually, I could grasp what he was saying, but emotionally?
It felt like he was saying it was our fault, that we had somehow taught him to hurt himself by reinforcing the behavior.
I cried after that session.
We all know stressful situations profoundly affect a parent’s ability to think clearly. I am no exception.
As professions, we must be aware of how our helpful information might land on overwhelmed and sensitive parents. When parents are overwhelmed, even the most helpful advice can sting.
The Art of Non-Judgmental Support
To provide objective support that actually lands, experts recommend a specific formula for giving advice:
- Gather the Full Picture: Before offering a solution, ask plenty of questions. This ensures you have enough detail to be helpful and shows the parent you aren’t rushing to judgment.
- It Validates the Parent: Asking, “How are you feeling about it?” honors the emotional weight of the situation.
- Wait for the Invitation: Ideally, you should wait until a parent asks for your opinion. If the situation is dire and you must speak up, ask for permission first (e.g., “I have some ideas; would you like to hear them?”). This gives the parent a sense of control.
- Wrap Advice in Humility: When offering a suggestion, soften the delivery. Instead of saying, “You need to do X,” try, “I wonder if providing him with a chewy toy would be helpful?”
- It Lowers Resistance: Using soft language and humility prevents parents from feeling attacked or “preached” to.
- The Power of the Sounding Board: Often, parents simply need a non-judgmental space to talk through their own thoughts. It Leads to Better Solutions: Parents usually know deep down what they need to try next; being a sounding board helps them find that path.
One more thing…
Read the room. Before sharing a new strategy, check the room. If the parent is in a high-stress state, prioritize being a supportive listener over being an instructor.
References
Hollingsworth, A. (2021, August 6). The best way to give advice without offending. Hope For Families.
All Things Early Intervention 