Finding Composure in the Chaos

When a child with behavioral issues enters your home, it can turn your world upside down. This was certainly the case for me when our foster child “Little Monkey” came into my life. Despite my background in early childhood education and experience with Conscious Discipline, I found myself struggling to maintain composure in the face of his explosive behavior.

Humbled by a 4-year-old

I had prided myself on my ability to handle difficult situations, but Little Monkey quickly humbled me. None of my normal tricks were working. It forced me to re-evaluate my approach, and question everything I thought I knew, and I landed on Conscious Discipline.

The Power of Composure in Conscious Discipline

Conscious Discipline, a behavior program emphasizes the importance of self-regulation in adults. The program teaches seven core principles, with the first being the power of composure.

When faced with a child’s meltdown, it’s easy to react impulsively.

However, Conscious Discipline emphasizes the importance of maintaining a calm and collected demeanor. This creates a safe and predictable environment for the child, allowing them to de-escalate and learn from the situation. Read more about Conscious Discipline here https://consciousdiscipline.com/methodology/seven-powers/

Maintaining Composure in Business

Maintaining composure in the face of challenging behavior is easier said than done, and it isn’t just for childcare. The Harvard Business Review article “How to Regain Your Composure in Stressful Situations” by Anke Thiele (July 17, 2023 https://hbr.org/2023/07/how-to-regain-your-composure-in-stressful-situations ) recommends the “Inner Presence” framework, which incorporates elements of mindfulness to promote self-regulation. This framework consists of four key steps:

1. Breathe: Focus on your breath to calm your body and mind.
2. Move: Take a physical step back from the situation if necessary.
3. Acknowledge: Acknowledge your own emotions without judgment.
4. Reframe: Reframe the situation in a more positive light.

Composure in the face of screaming, hitting, spitting, kicking and biting.

In my experience with Little Monkey, I discovered that even when I used the right words, if I used a harsh tone it would trigger a negative reaction or an escalation. Over time, I learned to master the art of neutral composure, and as a result, our interactions became significantly smoother.

My Own Strategies for Maintaining Composure

Here are some of my own practical strategies for maintaining composure when you feel anger rising:

1. Communicate with your parenting partner: Discuss a “tap out” system where you can take turns calming down. A child with special needs can have tantrums that last forever.

2. Choose a mantra or song to silently repeat to yourself when feeling overwhelmed.

Conclusion

Being a foster parent to a child with behavioral challenges can be emotionally draining. By developing strategies for maintaining composure, you can have a clear head to make decisions to put into practice to maintain a positive environment for both yourself and the child.