This blog post is part of a series Rules for Early Intervention Home Visiting and you can read about them here.
The Art of Connection: Why Less Can Be More When Sharing About Your Own Kids
We all know the importance of building rapport with the families we serve. Sharing personal stories can be a powerful tool to connect and build trust. But have you ever stopped to consider the impact it might have when those stories involve our own children, especially when working with families of young children with developmental delays?
“Ethical Implications of Therapist Self-Disclosure” from the Society for the Advancement of Psychotherapy, dives into the complex world of therapist self-disclosure. Here’s a summary:
- Therapist self-disclosure can be a double-edged sword: It can strengthen the therapeutic relationship or be harmful.
- Benefits: Disclosing some personal details can help build trust, normalize emotions, and model healthy behavior.
- Risks: Oversharing can take the focus away from the client, blur boundaries, or make the client feel obligated to reciprocate.
- The decision to disclose is nuanced: Therapists consider the client’s personality, the potential benefits and risks, and ethical principles like confidentiality and autonomy.
The article doesn’t provide a clear-cut answer on when to disclose, but it highlights factors to consider:
- Client’s needs: Does disclosure address a specific therapeutic need or roadblock?
- Client’s personality: Can the client handle the information without getting sidetracked?
- Type of disclosure: Is it brief, relevant, and professionally delivered?
Overall, the article emphasizes thoughtful consideration before therapist self-disclosure. It’s not about the therapist’s needs, but about how disclosure can serve the client’s progress.
Self Disclosure A Cautionary Tale
I remember a time in my Early Intervention career when I was training a new coworker, and we were co-evaluating a precious little one with developmental delays. Amy, a first-time mom herself, was just back from maternity leave and brimming with maternal joy. As we assessed the child’s development, Amy couldn’t help but chime in with personal anecdotes. “We have that same rattle at home!” she’d exclaim, or “Oh, my little guy does that too!” As it turns out their babies were the same age. They had the same pediatrician and the babies were born within days of each other.
While Amy’s enthusiasm was genuine, I noticed a shift in the mom’s demeanor. As we continued in the evaluation, Amy’s anecdotes about her own baby, while meant to be reassuring, ended up unintentionally highlighting the differences. The mom’s initial openness turned into a series of anxious reactions, each one directed at Amy and asking, “Is your baby doing that yet?”
Striking the Right Balance
Sharing experiences about our own children can be a powerful tool, but it needs to be done thoughtfully and with the client’s needs at the forefront. After all, parents of children with developmental delays are often dealing with a storm of emotions – uncertainty, grief, and a fierce hope for their child’s future. Our role is to support them, not inadvertently fuel comparisons.
When you mention that you are a parent to another parent, it elevates your street credit. You are “in the mom club” together and it can be tempting to share personal stories.
Early Intervention: What to Share and What to Keep Private
Building trust and rapport with families is essential in early intervention. This can be tricky, especially when navigating personal disclosure. You want to be relatable and share some of your experiences, but it’s important to avoid overshadowing the needs of the child and family in front of you. Here’s a guideline to help you find the balance:
What you can share:
- Small talk: It’s perfectly fine to chat about your children’s ages and names. Discussing plans for the weekend, like enjoying some sunshine at the park with your kids, can create a friendly atmosphere.
- Shared struggles: Being a parent is tough! Exhaustion is a common theme. Sharing your experiences with sleep deprivation can open the door for parents to feel comfortable confiding in you about their own challenges. After all, commiserating over shared struggles can be a powerful bonding tool.
- Strategies that worked for you: Did you discover a magic burping technique that soothed your child’s gassy woes? Perfect! Share it with the family! Knowing that someone else has successfully navigated a similar situation can give them hope and a roadmap to follow.
- Standard practices you’ve found helpful: Did a particular technique recommended by a professional work wonders for your child? Share it! There’s a difference between sharing evidence-based practices and old wives’ tales. Stick to tried-and-true methods with a proven track record.
What to avoid sharing:
- Bragging about your child’s exceptional abilities: This can be insensitive to the parents you’re working with. Keep this to yourself.
- Your “near miss” story: Sharing a story about how your child almost received a certain diagnosis, but thankfully didn’t, can be hurtful. For instance, if you’re working with a family whose child has hearing loss, avoid mentioning how your child failed a newborn hearing screening but later turned out to be fine.
- Milestones your child reaches that theirs may not: This can be incredibly discouraging. Try to avoid bringing up your child’s first steps if the family’s child has just been diagnosed with spina bifida.
- Pictures of perfect moments: Sharing photos of your child’s birthday cake extravaganza might not be the best idea if the family you’re working with has a child who is NPO (nothing by mouth) and medically fragile.
Remember:
- Why am I telling this? Ask yourself this question before sharing anything personal. If it doesn’t directly benefit the family or the situation at hand, it’s probably best left unsaid.
- Wait before sharing: It’s always better to err on the side of caution. If you’re unsure if something is appropriate to share, wait until you have a better sense of the family and their needs.
- Early intervention is not your therapy session: While building rapport is important, avoid using intervention sessions to unload about your own parenting struggles.
Remember, building trust and a positive relationship is our goal. Sharing about ourselves can be part of that process, but do it judiciously. By focusing on the child and their journey, we can create a space where families feel empowered and supported, not compared to others.
For Further Reading:
https://positivepsychology.com/self-disclosure-in-counseling
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